The Somewhat Official VFD Training Video
by Fancy name not available
Summary: The always mysterious and confusing VFD has come up with an equally mysterious and confusing training video.Stupid thing written in spare time.Oneshot? Rated for very slight language...


**AUTHORESS' NOTE(s):**

The crappy truth is,I am an unimaginative slob,so this is just a somewhat random humor fic.If you want something not stupid,look elsewhere.

It's a oneshot in the sense that it's only one chapter but...it's not all that short.

Please don't flame me if it's boring or something,I have no sense of direction when it comes to overall entertainment.

I'm not good with puntuation. -.-;;;

My friend Ops is hosting the "training video"

It's supposed to kinda happen after book 11,when Kit Snicket takes the children in that taxi thing.

Things happening 'on screen' are in bold.

**Disclaimer:** Look,the Baudelaire's lives suck enough,they don't need me owning them.

* * *

I'm sure you've all been told to never get into a stranger's car.This is,of course,good advice to follow.If you don't,you might find yourself entrapped in a small laundry hamper with with 3 cats and a can of lima beans,drifting down a river headed for a waterfall.

Although you should never ever get into cars with stranges,sometimes it's the best thing to do.Especially if the driver is most likely a member of the secret organization you are so despretly trying to find,or she is the not-dead sibling of your author.

Anyway,the children boarded the taxi,somewhat reluctantly.They each sat in a back seat,silently,until Violet decided to speak up. "Where are you taking us?" The woman driving looked somewhat guilty of something."Well,I am taking you to the last safe place..." The 3 orphans (who probably are not really orphans at all) looked at each other feeling a surge of hope. A feeling which rarely comes in their woeful lives.

"I am taking you to the last safe place,but..." Whenever someone ends a sentance with "but" you can be pretty sure they are not going to say anything too pleasant after it. "But we need to make one stop before we get there." The children looked at each other agian,this time not feeling hope,but curiosity. This woman,Kit,said it in a way suited for something much more dreadful. Like "I am taking you to the last safe place,but we must sacrifice Klaus to the sun-gods first,"

Klaus leaned over to his older sister and whispered,"I don't like how she said that..." Sunny nodded in agreement."Suspicious," she declared,but still in a whisper.Everyone sat in silence for a few more minutes,until the car stopped infront of an ominous looking building. By ominous I mean "dark,dirty,abandoned,probably haunted,and housing escaped convicts".

The three siblings looked at each other agian,this time feeling nothing but dread."Well,I cannot escort you into building,but someone will be there waiting for you at the entrance." The Baudelaire's climbed out of the car and timidly walked to the entrance of the this malovent structure.

"And children,I would like to apologize in advance.It might seem a little frightening,but nothing bad happens.  
You'll understand it all eventually." Kit called out the window. It is usually a bad thing when someone apologizes in advance,because this indicates something unpleasent will happen and the person apologizing will not be around long enough to say their apology after it happenes.

Violet,Klaus,and Sunny suddenly felt very small when approaching the building.It loomed over them like a cruel raincloud over a picnic on an otherwise pefectly nice day.Not that the Baudeliare's day was perfectly nice,but it was better knowing they had a chance to find a safe place.

The group entered the building,but wanted out almost instantly.Indeed,there were people at the entrance waiting for them,but they weren't particularly friendly.Infact they were quite unfriendly.The 3 people were presumably male,  
wore black leather trenchcoats,and black boots.None of the orphans (I refuse to believe they are orphans,but will refer to them as such anyway,just because the damn 12th book got it's release date pushed back and I can't really confirm anything)could see these people's faces because they were very tall.Also because the men would not allow any of the children to move their heads.

The 3 mystery men lead the children into an empty white room.There were no windows and the only door was the same color and texture of the rest of the walls,so it blended perfectly to the point of barely being able to see it.  
No furniture or pictures were anywhere to be seen.It was utterly barren,except for one lone television set with a VCR hooked up to it.

The 3 black-clad men left the children in the room for a moment."Who do you think they were?" Klaus asked Violet,but the door opened before his sister could give any sort of answer.From the opend door came a video tape,  
literally flying in towards the children. It narrowly missed Klaus but Violet,being taller,got hit square between the eyes.  
"OOW!" She exlaimed. And granted the rating was higher I would give more detail,but it's not so in a nutshel;I didn't think Violet Baudelaire knew so many vulgar words.

The video fell at Violet's feet,so Sunny made her way to her sister and held the video up to her brother.Klaus took it and examined the printed words on the tape's front."What's it say?" Violet asked,her hand holding her head on the point of impact with said tape."1989,Video Forged in Delaware" he read. "Watch!" Sunny pointed to the VCR. "Good idea," Klaus popped the video in the player.

The television screen fizzled on,and it showed a teenage girl,maybe a year older than Klaus.She had short brown hair,brown eyes,and a camoflouge shirt which read "HA HA You can't see me now!" The Baudelaire's were confused.

**"HEEELLLLLOOOOO! Are we rolling?"**

The screen moved in a nodding fashion,indicating a yes.

**"Oh,we are?ummmm...HIIII! If you are watching this,it means you were either violently kidnapped from your home after years and years of painfully creepy suspicion and hearing odd noises and having you parent DOWNRIGHT LIE TO YOU FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND-"**

Someone off screen cleared their throat,and the girl on screen snapped out of an angry rant

**"Right,sorry,well,either that happened or you were brought here by some nice stranger in a taxi cab!"**

Each child starred at the screen,alarmed at the accurate assumption.

**"No matter how,you are watching this because YOU ARE NOW A VFD MEMBER! Go you! As a VFD member you are required to have some sort of skill! If you don't,you will be rendered useless and will be forced to clean dishes and bathrooms for the rest of your lives! And that would suck,so God help you if your talentless."**

A female voice began uncontrolably weeping off screen.

**"Sorry Q,I forgot you were there...Which reminds me,I am OPS!"**

The girl on the screen threw her hands up in the air and cackled maniacally in an attempt to look powerful.  
Lighting flashed and thunder boomed in the background as the screen grew dark.Eventually the cackling/thunder/lighting stopped and the TV was just a blank,black screen.

**"AHEM."**

The lights all came on at once,and Ops could be seen on the screen agian.

**"And I am the VFD training video host!As a new member of VFD,you will be taught the most highly developed techniques of disguise!"**

On the screen came a picture of a man,labled 'before'.A few seconds passed and it was joined by another picture of the man,only this one had a mustache and was labled 'after'.Otherwise it was exactly the same picture.The three children looked at each other,not convinced."What if you're a girl?" Violet mumbled.

**"What if you're a girl you ask?"**

Now a picture of a woman came on screen,also labled as before.A second picture of the woman came on screen,this time with a mustache,labled after.Sunny and Klaus shot their sister a disturbed look.Violet shrugged.

**"This is only a rookie disguise,so don't worry,they get better! But for safety reasons,they cannot be revealed here."**

The girl flashed a painfully fake smile. Klaus made a face "This place is so secretive,and the video is obviously confidential.Why can't they just give us all the information here?"

**"CAN IT FOUR EYES!"**

Klaus stared at the TV,now extremely horrified.Had the girl on the screen just insulted him?

**"Yeah,I'm talkin' to you,shrimpy!"**

The answer to that is yes.At Ops' second insult,a voice from off screen cleared its throat agian.

**"Sorry,sorry...Geeze,they don't pay us enough,right Jerry?"**

The camera moved in a hesitant nod.Jerry was presumably the camera man.(yes,I know you're not THAT stupid,the outright statement of who Jerry is probably wasn't necessary)

**"Wait,why was that a hesitant nod? HOW MUCH ARE YOU GETTING PAID!"**

Another off-screen voice gave a muffled answer,but the answer became clear as the Ops girl repeated it,sounding furious.

**"45 DOLLARS AN HOUR! WHY 45? I ONLY GET 32 AND I'M THE ONE ON CAMERA! YOU PEOPLE ARE SEXIST!  
WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO WOMEN'S RIGHTS HUH? WHY,I OUGHTA-"**

The camera fizzled out,and the children exchanged glances,but didn't say anything.By this time they were all becoming suspicious of why Kit had dumped them in a warehouse with 3 creepy men and a crackpot training video.If I were in the Baudelaires' situation at the first angry rant the girl broke into I would have run for my life,assuming I was being set up and stalled from something,like the total destruction of my current hideout,or burning of all my documents and research.

But the Baudelaire's were becoming more and more confused.They had been through confusion before,but that was from a confusing situation like,how to chizzel one's way out of a frozen hunk of ice with nothing but a paperclip and a pocket protector. Although this was a strange situation,being shoved in an empty room by 3 intimidating strangers and all,it wasn't exactly confusing. What was confusing the Baudeliare children was the freak on the TV screen.

The camera fizzled back in.The Ops girl was standing,still looking furious,but trying to maintain herself.Violet shook her head."I've had about enough of this ridiculous video..." she mutterd.Violet reached for the eject button on the VCR,but froze with her finger on the button when she heard the strange girl's words come from the screen.

**"I'll just cut to the chase.A-a-a-hem..."**

Ops cleared her throat.The lighting on the screen,and even in the strange white room,dimmed slightly.The video host's voice came to a whisper.

**"Now...for the sugar bowl...It's really not that complicated.All you need to know is-"**

At that moment the girl stopped. The off-screen female could be heard sniffing at something in the air.

**"Say,do you smell smoke?"**

The disembodied girl voice asked Ops,who also began sniffing.

**"Yeah,what is tha-OH MY GOOD GOD IT'S O-"**

The camera fell and quickly fizzled out agian.But this time,it didn't come back on.All three Baudelaire children had the same weirded out stare on their face.No one moved for a good 9 seconds,until Klaus snapped out of it."What was that all about?" His older sister shook her head. "I have no clue.Let's just see if we can get out of here..." Violet made her way over to the door-ish part of the wall.

"But it was supposed to be a training video.I didn't learn anything! Were we being set up or stalled for something?"

Sure,NOW they get it...

* * *

What was the point of that?

Were the Baudelaires being set up?

Did Ops,Jerry,and the disembodied female voice (who's name I did mention,if you were paying attention) all die?

IS THERE A SEQUEL TO THIS PIECE OF CRAP?

Never fear,the sequel won't be posted,just sent to my insane friend.(OneWhoWalksWithPigeons AKA:Ops.read her stuff)

Spelling may be woefully...umm...bad,but my compuer is acting funny,it has been a race agianst time getting this thing up (race agianst time because,THIS THING IS GOING TO EXPLODE SOON!) and I have misplaced my dictionary...

Some CC would be cool,cuz I need it,but flames make me sad.waaah.

Review and I will remember you until I forget.


End file.
